DON’T PANIC BUT YOU ARE GOING TO DIE

PEOPLE across the world have been urged not to panic as experts warned that most of you would be dead by the end of this sentence.

As pork flu swept across the globe governments sought to calm fears by ordering 400 million coffins, while media organisations offered a reward to any scientist prepared to use the word ‘holocaust’.

In the UK, experts stressed there was no risk from pork products before urging Britain’s army of morons to round-up all the sausages they could find and throw them into the sea.

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