What are we going to do for an enemy now?

The Daily Show – The Apprentices

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I AM MAD AS HELL! AND I AM NOT GONNA TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!

EVERYTHING IS OK

FOOD COMPANIES FORCED TO REPLACE SALT WITH FLAVOUR

FOOD manufacturers will be forced to replace salt with food that tastes of things, it emerged last night.

The Food Standards Agency is to impose tough new targets on producers, who are now desperately searching for ingredients that vaguely resemble the photo on the packet.

MPs CALL FOR BAN ON HUGE, IRRESISTIBLE TELEVISIONS

MPs from all parties last night demanded a ban on the gigantic, irresistible, state of the art television sets at the root of the House of Commons expenses scandal.

As politicians attempted to rebuild their shattered reputations, they said it was no coincidence the expenses system began to spiral out of control shortly after the introduction of the first widescreen LCD TV with Dolby digital surround sound.

Guantanamo Baywatch – The Final Season

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Little Crop of Horrors

Sam Bee warns that Michelle Obama’s elitist organic garden could simultaneously cause starvation, obesity and cancer.

Dan Choi Is Gay

John Oliver acknowledges that Dan Choi may be a valuable Arabic translator, but he’s gay.

Moral Kombat

Barack Obama blocks the release of detainee photos, and refuses to intervene in the dismissal of a gay lieutenant.

MP BECOMES FIRST EVER PERSON TO FORGET HE HAD PAID OFF HIS MORTGAGE

LABOUR MP Elliot Morley was last night confirmed as the first person in the history of the world to forget he had paid off his mortgage.

The former minister admitted he had completely forgotten to stop claiming taxpayers’ money for the mortgage he had paid off before forgetting which of his two houses he actually lived in most of the time.

GROW A PAIR, MEN ADVISED

AS a study showed that 40% men are suffering from recession-based mental illness, a leading psychiatrist has advised them to stop whining like a bunch of three year-old girls.

Dr Roy Hobbs, a former pipe fitter, has published a new book entitled Man Up: It’s a Recession, Not Ball Cancer, which teaches the value of ‘re-conceptualising feelings of inadequacy by drinking a case of Stella and shouting your way through Rocky IV‘.

IT’S THE SYSTEM THAT’S A PIECE-OF-SHIT, THIEVING BASTARD, SAY MPs

THE system of parliamentary expenses is a corrupt, scum-sucking, piece-of-shit, bastarding thief, MPs insisted last night.

Members from all parties said the rules were a grubby, disgusting little scat-muncher and pledged a wide-ranging inquiry into how the system was somehow able to vote itself into existence in the first place.

Chicken-Shit Asteroid Veers Away At Last Minute

Though initial calculations showed it to be on a direct collision course with Earth, a pansy-ass asteroid approximately the size of Rhode Island has instead altered its trajectory to avoid the planet by more than 40,000 miles, astronomers at the University of Arizona reported Monday.

George Carlin – Saving the Planet

SURVIVORS TO ENJOY GLORIOUS SUMMER, SAYS MET OFFICE

BRITAIN’S small band of pork flu survivors can look forward to a hot, dry summer, the Met Office confirmed last night.

After the densely populated wash-outs of the last two years, experts said Britain’s thinned-out herd will enjoy the ‘perfect combination’ of great weather and very short queues.

The Day Today – Bombdogs

FROM THE TIMES: A senior British Army officer and six other military personnel survived attack when a tethered donkey laden with explosives was detonated as their armoured vehicle passed in southern Afghanistan.

Autoworkers Compete to Keep Jobs, Livelihoods on New Reality Show

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Ambassador Stages Coup At UN, Issues Long List of Non-Binding Resolutions

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PANDEMIC OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT YOU THOUGHT IT WAS

THE World Health Organisation last night confirmed a pork flu pandemic was now imminent, raising fears that millions of people obviously had no idea what a pandemic is.

As confirmed cases in Europe leapt from probably 14 to possibly 19, officials said the very small number of people infected meant it was vital governments across the world were prepared to use the word ‘pandemic’ as often as possible.

TWO SCOTTISH PEOPLE FEELING A BIT RUN DOWN

THE government has raised its virus alert level to ‘pantastic’ after it was confirmed that two people in Scotland were hovering close to feeling slightly unwell.

The pair, from one of the dozens of non-descript hell-holes between Edinburgh and Glasgow, were admitted to hospital yesterday when their condition was described as ‘critically fuzzy’.

GOVERNMENT TO MONITOR ONE TRILLION COCK PILL EMAILS

THE government has outlined plans to monitor all of Britain’s email traffic, covering everything from penis enlargement to Lindsey Lohan straddling a Labrador.

The only internet traffic exempt will be Ministry of Defence communications, NHS data transfers and anything that comes to or from the inbox of an MP, even if it has a JPEG attachment entitled ‘Freaky Japanese Scat’.

WHO WILL BE THE FIRST ARSEHOLE TO WEAR A FACEMASK?

AS the number of confirmed pork flu cases in the UK soared into single figures, millions of people across Britain were last night wondering who would be the first arsehole to start wearing a facemask.

Online retailers have reported high demand for their utterly useless anti-pork flu kits, consisting of a flimsy surgical mask, some Kendal mintcake, a James Blunt CD, a novelty keyring and a cyanide pill.

DON’T PANIC BUT YOU ARE GOING TO DIE

PEOPLE across the world have been urged not to panic as experts warned that most of you would be dead by the end of this sentence.

As pork flu swept across the globe governments sought to calm fears by ordering 400 million coffins, while media organisations offered a reward to any scientist prepared to use the word ‘holocaust’.

In the UK, experts stressed there was no risk from pork products before urging Britain’s army of morons to round-up all the sausages they could find and throw them into the sea.

German SS officers – That Mitchell and Webb Look